When I put us in context of our current culture and modern society, it is no wonder we are stressed to the max! Working full time jobs, looking after children, managing financial stress, being constantly bombarded with news of impending doom and all the terrible things happening in the world. All this, while being continuously exposed to social media, leading to increased disconnection and polarisation of all of us. How can we not be stressed!

I have outlined 9 tips for lowering stress levels below. A couple of notes before we start: you do not need to pressure yourself to implement everything below at once. I would rather you choose 1 thing to practice with the hope that it becomes a consistent habit. 

I completely understand that some of the below tips requires a level of privilege.  For some people, it is not a matter of “turning off the news”, it is a matter of living it every day. Whether exposure to violence, racism, discrimination and/or poverty. Perhaps exercise does not feel reachable because you’re in an unsafe neighbourhood or can’t afford a gym membership. I want you to know I see you; I acknowledge your experience and I have tried to be as inclusive as possible with the below suggestions.

1. Physical Activity

Exercise helps lower stress hormones including cortisol and increases our happy hormones, hello Serotonin!   If a gym membership isn’t accessible or isn’t your “cup of tea”, there are still plenty of creative ways to get your body moving.  Perhaps you could take a walk outside, maybe even bringing along your dog! Perhaps you could search YouTube or apps. There are plenty of creators who are sharing free workouts, whether a good cardio session, or a calming yoga sequence. Or maybe you prefer to turn the music up loud and dance around like a crazy person? Hey, that’s cool too! I am not suggesting exercise as a punishment for what you ate or to make your body smaller. I am suggesting it for your mental and emotional health! And remember, something is better than nothing.

2. Engage in Relaxation or Play

Researcher, Stuart Brown, defines play as time spent without purpose. I love this definition because there are no strings attached to needing the time to be more profitable or productive. Now your children might love when you take them to the park, but you may feel like that’s a chore.  That may not be play for you and that’s ok! No need to feel guilty. Have a think about what activities bring you joy or a sense of calmness. Maybe it’s hiking or fishing or going to your favourite cafe for a quiet coffee. Maybe it’s reading your favourite book or painting.  Whatever it is, how can you implement it more?

3. Time Management

Working with clients, I often see poor time management skills and procrastination contributing to their high stress levels.  Let’s be honest with ourselves, how many hours per day are you on devices- TV, phones, tablets? How can you cut down on activities such as mindless scrolling to make room for things that are more important? People also tend to struggle with procrastination.  Procrastination is often rooted in anxiety and perfectionism. Why start if I’m just going to mess up? Why start if I can’t do it perfectly? Why start when I’m probably going to fail anyway? If you struggle with this, keep in mind a few things:

• Getting started is often the hardest part
• Progress over perfection
• Break things into smaller tasks if needed

Other ideas around time management would include keeping a to do list and a “ta da list”. How many of you have heard of a “ta da list”? This is where you write all the things you got done and you give yourself a good pat on the back.  Recognising your hard work and progress is very important!

4. Reduce Alcohol and Caffeine

Caffeine is a stimulant and having too much can lead to anxiety, insomnia and digestive problems. Alcohol is a depressant and can alter your hormone balance, releasing increased cortisol.  Long term health risks associated with alcohol use includes high blood pressure, heart disease, liver disease, digestive problems and even some forms of cancer. In other words, having too much alcohol or caffeine just isn’t good for your mental or physical health. With caffeine, I recommend slowly reducing your use. If you drink 5 cups of coffee per day, can you reduce to 4 as a start, then to 3? For many people, depending on frequency and quantity of alcohol consumed, working with a professional can be a good support to reducing your alcohol use safely. While you’re working on reducing caffeine and alcohol use, I recommend increasing your consumption of water!

5. Try to get more sleep

For people who struggle with anxiety and a busy mind at night, telling them to just get more sleep can be frustrating. I totally get this! But there are things everyone can do to improve their sleep hygiene. Here are some ideas:

• Create a night-time routine. This may include washing your face or reading.
• Some people benefit from writing their to do list for the next day. This is better than ruminating on what needs done- get it out of your head and onto paper.
• Try a sleep meditation. You can access these on Smiling Mind or Insight Timer (free apps).
• Shut off all screens 30-60 minutes before bedtime. Screens can inhibit Melotonin production which is our important sleep hormone. 

6. Self-compassion

Self-compassion is choosing to be kind to yourself, choosing to recognise and validate your own feelings and struggles. Many people struggle with this but it is worth the practice. Our inner dialogue, the way we speak to ourselves, can cause us lots of anxiety and stress. It might sound like this:

• I’m a terrible mother or father
• I’m useless and worthless, no one cares about me
• I’m disgusting, no one wants to look at that

Starting to introduce some level of self-compassion would look like:

• Noticing the mean things you’re telling yourself
• Externalise this by giving it a name or character- this is often called the inner critic
• Once you notice the inner critic, ask “Would I speak to my best friend or child this way?” Really think about this one, would you walk around saying to your best friend or child “Yep, you are so useless and disgusting, just give up now”.  Of course you wouldn’t! So take a deep breath and think about how you would speak to a loved one in your situation.  See if you can invite in that same kindness and compassion for yourself too. This might sound like:
• I’m trying my best today
• This is really hard
• All parents make mistakes 
• I’m allowed to feel (insert emotion)
• It’s normal to feel this way sometimes
• My feelings will eventually pass
• What can I do to help myself right now?
• I am worthy 

So the next time you start beating yourself up, see if you can notice that inner critic and talk kindly to it. 

7. Talk to someone who listens

Many people tend to bottle up their thoughts and emotions, for fear of being judged or being a burden.  When, what we know is if we talk with someone who meets us with empathy and understanding, often our own self-judgment and shame can shift.  Often thoughts of being a burden, “too dramatic”, “too much” stems from childhood and just isn’t true. So next time you’re feeling overwhelmed, consider calling or facetiming a friend just to vent. 

8. Set boundaries

When we take on too much, we are bound to suffer from high stress levels. Setting boundaries might look like:

• Saying no
• Cancelling an event
• Lowering expectations of yourself
• Reminders that you don’t have to be perfect
• Setting time frames especially for work (not checking emails after 6pm, stopping work before dinner)

9. Decrease Social Media Use and News Consumption

If you haven’t watched “Social Dilemma” on Netflix, I highly recommend it.  Social media is set up with algorithms that create dopamine hits similar to a gambling addiction. Social media puts us in echo chambers where we are further exposed to information that keeps us completely stuck in our own viewpoints. Social media can increase feelings of anxiety, depression and shame. Just a reminder, so much of what people are posting is a careful, manicured version of their lives with edits and filters. I deactivated all my personal social medias months ago. I found by doing that I can focus on other more important things in my life and can nurture my relationships the old school way- picking up the phone and having a real conversation!  I recommend decreasing or deactivating your social media now. I also recommend checking in with yourself about the impact. Are you mindlessly scrolling too much? Are you comparing yourself to others? Are you feeling not good enough? When you notice this, its time to put your device down for a little while.

For news consumption, I’m not suggesting that you don’t inform yourself about current events nor am I suggesting not doing anything to help your community. I am suggesting checking in with yourself. Are you watching multiple versions of the same news story? Are you noticing increased anxiety? Are you noticing increased hopelessness? If so, it’s ok to turn the news off and engage in something else. 

10. Breathing Techniques

Breathing is the best way to calm our nervous systems. Many people when stressed will unknowingly tense their jaws, shoulders, hold their breath or engage in shallow breathing.  Learning to relax the tension and do some breathing exercises throughout your day can be so helpful! Below are some breathing techniques that you could practice:

• 4-7-8 breathing: Breathing in for 4 counts, holding for 7 counts and exhaling for 8 counts, repeat
• Deepening breath: Inhale deep breath and visualise it going to the chest space and exhale. Inhale another breath and visualise it going to the rib cage space and exhale. Inhale another breath and visualise it going to your belly button and exhale. Repeat as necessary.
• Ujjayi breathing: This is taught in many yoga practices. It creates an ocean sound in the back of your throat. It is similar to how you might blow on a mirror to fog it up. Below is a link for further instructions: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IJclhaadXK0

Leave me a comment, what one area of stress management are you going to focus on?

There are many relationship issues that can be avoided by having honest conversations about what your expectations are when it comes to marriage and having children. Continue reading for some helpful things to consider:

1. Managing Finances
Financial stress is one of the most common reasons for relationship breakdown and divorce, so having healthy discussions about how to manage finance as a team is extremely important. Do you have outstanding debt? If so, what is the plan for paying it back? Do you prefer to have a joint or separate bank account and what are potential pros and cons for each option? What was your experience with finance and money during childhood? Did your parents argue about money? Did you grow up in poverty and money was scarce? What sort of budgeting system will be helpful? A resource I would highly recommend is:
“The Barefoot Investor” by Scott Pape
“The Barefoot Investor for Families” by Scott Pape  

2. Understanding your Family of Origin
This topic can be quite complex and often requires the support of a therapist. The family system (mum, dad, sister, brother, stepparents, carers) we grow up in impacts how we view relationships, our attachment styles and our sense of what is normal and safe.  It is helpful to have awareness about how growing up in your family of origin has impacted you, your emotional expression and your behaviour. It is also helpful to have some understanding of your partner’s family of origin, and how this affects them ongoingly. This is especially valuable if there was some level of trauma such as abuse or domestic violence for either of you.  Holding this knowledge and awareness of your history and your partner’s history can increase compassion, empathy and understanding for one another especially when disagreements arise. Again, I want to emphasise that this sort of conversation, especially when trauma is present, is best had with a therapist.

3. Division of Household Labour
Regardless of gender within the relationship, discussing how you share household jobs and views on equality is extremely important. Do you want to do the household jobs as a team, especially if you’re both employed? Does one partner expect the other to do all the household jobs while the other works outside of the home? Are you all on the same page about this or willing to negotiate to reach some compromise? 

4. Involvement from the In-Laws
We see this cause stress in relationships all the time and how many movies are about this very thing! Cue…Meet The Fockers! The important thing here is to explore each other’s expectations about the role of the extended family. Do you want complete privacy? How much should be shared about the relationship with your in-laws? Do you want extra support from extended family members in terms of looking after children or help with finance?  When a problem arises with extended family members, whose responsibility is it to confront this issue (if needed)?  Are there cultural differences between you that may impact on expectations you have around the involvement of extended family members? Can you create boundaries that you both agree on?

5. Do you want Children
For many people, having different opinions on family planning can be a deal breaker.  Discuss this respectfully together. Do you want children? If so, how many would you prefer to have? What parenting styles or discipline techniques do you support or not support? What was your experience of being parented? What did you like or not like about your own experience of being parented? If infertility issues arise, would you consider IVF? 

6. Your Dreams and Career Goals
Share with your partner your hopes and dreams. How can you support each other’s? Are there sacrifices that will need to be made? Are you willing to make them? What are your career goals? Are you moving into a career that will require relocation or lots of travel? If so, how do you each feel about that?

7. Where to Live?
Tension can arise when partners want to settle in different places- whether different countries, states or even suburbs. This is something extremely important to talk about. Are you on the same page about this? Can you create a plan that takes both partner’s needs into consideration?

8. Religious Practice
Talk about the role of religion in each other’s lives and what role you each want religion to play ongoingly. Do you have different religious backgrounds and practices? Do you have ideas about how you would like religion to be taught and practiced with future children (shall you choose to have them)? Can you allow each other to practice separate faiths respectfully? Are you willing to understand and be tolerant of your different belief systems? Considering this, how will you handle religious holidays?

9. Having your own space
Especially once a couple has children, it is so helpful if partners support each other to have free time away from the children, to pursue hobbies that bring them joy and to engage in self-care. Are you willing to give each other space in this way? What does this look like? What do you each need to be fulfilled in this regard?

Don’t get me wrong, you don’t have to be 100 percent clear on all of these topics. And if you’re already married and have children, it’s not too late! You can still develop some plan and some capacity to have respectful communication and negotiation about these issues.  If this feels scary or is in the “too hard basket”, perhaps consider attending couples therapy or a couple’s workshop together.  Having a separate person to help facilitate bonding, problem solving and healthy communication can make all the difference in the world! 

Choosing to attend therapy can be a daunting and scary decision and can unfortunately hold an element of stigma; like it’s something to be ashamed of or something to keep secret.  I want to first normalise attending therapy as much as it’s normal to see your GP for a sinus infection or your physio for your knee pain.  I can reassure you that we see people from all walks of life attending and benefiting from therapy every day. Clearly if you’re reading this, you’re considering therapy, so I want to say good on you! Keep reading if you want to know more about what to expect in your first session. 

First, I recommend googling therapy clinics near you, reading different therapist’s bios and getting a feel for who might be a good fit. You may contact them to find out that they are unable to take a new client. We know this can be deeply frustrating, but please persist. Other places you can find a therapist is your GP, the AASW or PACFA websites.  

Once you’ve booked with someone, it is very normal to feel nervous. After all, you’re meeting a stranger and likely going to share vulnerable and intimate details of your life. When you arrive, your therapist or receptionist will likely give you some paperwork such as an intake and consent form. Read the consent form carefully as this should outline your privacy, confidentiality, prices and any mandatory reporting requirements. Your therapist should be happy to answer any questions you may have about the forms you are completing. A standard therapy session is about 50 minutes.

Once you’re in the therapy room, the purpose usually becomes getting to know each other. Your therapist will inquire about what issues brought you to therapy, how long these issues have been occurring and what you’ve previously tried to address your challenges.  The therapist will also ask about your family, your work, activities you enjoy and even about any previous experience with therapy.  While it can be uncomfortable, your therapist will also conduct a risk assessment to explore any self-harm, suicidality or unsafe relationships in your life.  They may talk with you about a safety plan and other resources that may be helpful depending on your situation.  Lastly, you will likely talk about goals for treatment.  This can be tricky and many people often aren’t actually sure. That’s ok. Your therapist will work with you to identify what your needs may be. This might be helping to manage anxiety, processing trauma or working through grief and loss. It may be that you require a safe space to simply explore who you are and what you want from your life.

Just a note that it might take a few sessions before you feel that this therapist is right for you. But if you do determine that the therapist isn’t a good fit, this is totally ok and perfectly acceptable to share with the therapist. A good therapist should take your feelings on board, be willing to make changes to their approach or support you in linking with someone else.  

If you continue therapy, you may feel worse before you feel better. This may be because you’re addressing and acknowledging difficult parts of your life that you’ve potentially been avoiding. This could also be because talking about your emotions can feel hard and sharing parts of you can feel vulnerable. However, it’s worth sitting in the moments of discomfort to support your healing and growth.  Some sessions may leave you feeling lighter, relieved, happier or like you had a valuable “lightbulb” moment. So perhaps be prepared for this array of feelings. And remember, leaving therapy feeling sad isn’t a sign that therapy isn’t working.

Something you have a right to, especially in the first session, is to ask your therapist about their experience, qualifications, whether they are governed by a regulatory body and what treatment modalities they utilise. Be careful with assuming that the therapist with the highest qualification or price is automatically more effective. This just isn’t true.  It is more about their approach and whether it aligns with you.

At the end of the session, your therapist will likely offer to rebook you or perhaps they may refer you on to someone more appropriate for your needs. They will collect your payment and congrats, you have completed your first therapy session. Great job!